To Randy

Dear Randall,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Convent. I think I realized it when I finally changed my underwear at the Elton John concert and I saw you knock out my illegitimate child in Ghana. I'm sure you're high enough to understand that I'm allergic to your earlobes. I'm returning your nose hair clippers to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when I think of your feet and thanks for the cocaine.

Best of luck on the sex change,
Suzye